Unofficial Club Rules


  1. Since the purpose of our gatherings is, in part or in whole, the use, consumption, and discussion of tobacco, any tobacco product or accessory on the table may be used by anyone in attendance. A smoker who uses another’s tobacco need not ask permission but must, at the very least, offer some commentary on the blend. Pipes are excluded from general use but may be fondled and ogled at any time, again with commentary.

  2. Anyone who has been given a standing offer to help himself or herself to a friend’s tobacco need never ask for permission. However, it is still necessary to acknowledge the taking of said tobacco. A simple “I’m going to snag a bowl of this delicious leaf” or similar shall suffice.

  3. Matches and lighters should be shared without hesitation. Brothers of the briar are brothers of the fire.

  4. It is permissible to share pipes but not encouraged. Those sharing should be family or closer and, even then, it’s just weird.

  5. Corncob pipes are still pipes. Period.

  6. When showing off a new pipe, it is permissible to comment on its uniqueness, its craftsmanship, or the ridiculously low price paid for it. It is not acceptable to show off a new pipe to brag about how much you spent or how impressive a pipe you can afford. If said pipe purchase caused your divorce, however, this rule no longer applies.

  7. Pipes (and cigars) may be used as pointers to enhance a discussion or monologue, or as a physical expression of general pontification. They should never be used as swords. Pretending that they are lightsabers is irresponsible as it may result in broken pipes and cigars which is just sad and is, therefore, extremely discouraged.

  8. Smokers should make a good faith effort to use tobacco away from non-smokers, but as soon as someone pretends to cough, the smoker is allowed to pretend to ignore the cougher. This is doubly true if the tobacco is unlit, in which case, the smoker may blow pretend smoke in the cougher’s face.

  9. All club members are encouraged to patronize a locally owned tobacconist as often as possible. If we take care of them, they’ll take care of us.

  10. Any smoker insisting others use any high-end product – be it a pipe or a cigar or tobacco or an accessory – should supply it. Anyone not willing to buy his friends a Dunhill needs to keep quiet about them.

  11. You can make fun of someone who is providing you free tobacco, but you shouldn’t if you want that to continue.

  12. Among the group, the person who smokes a pipe, wears glasses and has a beard is, by default, the smartest and most reliable person in the room. If more than one person fits this description, seniority will be determined by the highest percentage of naturally bald scalp.

  13. Size or technique don’t matter. Attitude does. Be kind, be generous, and be helpful.

  14. Politics and religion may only be discussed so long as you can still share tobacco.

  15. Smoking a cigar around pipe smokers and vice versa is encouraged, but anyone who lights a cigarette when higher quality tobaccos are readily available invites the mocking of his or her peers.